Zombies

Hey Im Back... not wrote in a while, but lets get back into it

Now im not saying being a Nazi was cool, but sometimes i do wish i was one... and i dont mean so i was back in the second world war, but just incase i died during a zombiepocalypse...

noone wants to be a zombie, id rather survive... but if it was inevitable that i was going to be a zombie, then id want to be a cool scary evil looking zombie... after much thought, i figured a nazi zombie would probably be the scariest...

of course id hope i could just get bitten so i had time to leg it to a fancy dress shop to get a nazi outfit before i died and turn into a zombie.. but you dont get that choice, and thats a shame.. i wonder if thats really why people dress like goths, not because they want to be a goth, but simply that their reanimated corpse would be a scary goth zombie..

Waterslide Birth

I have come up with a great way for a baby to be born, this is probably more fun for the baby than anyone else, but i still think it would be cool..

Basically make a miniture waterslide thats big enough for a new born baby. Attach one end to where the baby is gonna exit its mother, then have the usual twists and turns a slide would, and then at the end a big pool for it to splash land in.

The father of the child can be waiting in the pool and collect the child once its come all teh way down the slide. Not only is this fun for the baby, but will also give it a good clean so it doesnt look all disgusting..

Last Place you Look

well for those that dont know i have recently moved, thus prob the lack of blogs.... anyways, despite being moved in, i have still lots of boxes full of my crap... one such item is a set of tickets for an ian brown gig...These hung on a noticeboard orginaly at my old house, where i removed them upon packing for my new place..

Today i hung up the noticeboard and thought to pin them back on...but they werent in the box i thought they were... so after being bemused i proceeded to search through every other unpacked box... when this failed i went back through each box being totally thorough in my search.. when this failed i got my mum to search through the rubbish bag i last used when moving.. this still yielded no results and i then gave up..

few hours later i go to the first box i searched because id seen something else in there earlier to use, when i opened the box that contained it, i found my tickets... thus proving the theory its in the last place you look...

or if i wasnt such an idiot, i wouldve checked that box the first time i was checking the box that contained it

or in reality what i should have done was never unpin it from the board in the first place... a board is so much easier to find...

Dirty Cunny

So I may have invented a cocktail of sorts which Ive called a Dirty Cunny...

Tall Glass, 2 or 3 shots of Jagermeister, then squeeze 4 to 6 shots of fresh lime juice into the glass, top up with coke and chuck in some ice.. Done

Why The Head God?

Have you ever wondered why we go bald on our heads? Well I'm sure many bald scientists around the world right now are contemplating this very question, looking for ways to bring back hair that has long since gone...

But do you ever wonder why god or whoever was so cruel to make men bald on their heads?

Lets face it, I have hair growing all over, but the main areas for male hair is usually the head, face and testicles... so why of all the places pick the most visible?

Ok so full head of hair and bald in the face? Its probably what most bald men would prefer, but to me I would feel less of a man if I could not grow facial hair.

So the pubes... One of natures mischievious pranks... scratchy wiry hair in a place thats both uncomfortable and not required. So of all places to go bald, this would seem ideal. There would be no more trimming required, simply enjoy waking up everymorning to a smooth groinal region.. So lets hope we evolve soon to go bald in our pants, not on our heads

seaguls

Going back to my duck feeding on bread theory... why do seaguls love chips so much? whether its from the chippy or maccys, they just love them..

but why?

its not like before fast food seaguls would grow some spuds, dig them up, wash them, chop them, season them, fry them, then eat them... so why do they like chips? is it just natural to want chips when you eat fish?

I shall investigate this more... probably.... i doubt it

Another FB Rant

Im sorry, but I had to just share this one.. ill keep it short since I spend way too much time slating FB (Facebook to those who have been stuck in a cave with their thumbs up their ass for the past few years)

anyways, as well all know I hate it when people invite me to become a fan of something or to join a group that theyve created. Now on occasion, granted, there may be a group that is worth joining, either to keep up to date with latest festival news or of a certain occasion you may be attending.

But what has annoyed me today? Well its an invite to a group, and the group is getting people together for the guinness world record attempt at dog walking..

So why so angry? well its simple.. I DONT HAVE A FUCKING DOG! and the person who invited me knows that I dont have a Dog.. So why have they invited me to an event where I need a dog and they know I Dont have one.. FUCKING IDIOTS..

An Invention That Is Urgently Needed

Like many people, I have had to suffer at one point or other a virus which basically makes you feel like shit, with both ends being very explosive...

Now without gettin too descriptive, It is not possible for a person to both vomit and shit at the same time without causing some mess.. Theres that mini debate at 4am as you stumble blindly towards the bathroom as to whether to sit down on the toilet and throw up on the floor, or throw up in the toilet and shit your pants... Not really a great choice when feeling like death and knowing you will be repeating this visit on the hour every hour for the next few days...

For me I was lucky, since our recent bathroom renovation, the sink is now directly next to the toilet, meaning with a bit of a stretch and some projectile vomiting, you can take a shit and still get most the vomit into the sink..

Now why has noone ever in bathroom design, more specifically in toilet design, ever came up with a design of a toilet with an attached bowl that can be used for the situation where you are vomitting and shitting at the same time.

Ok, in fairness the easy solution is to just have a bucket to hand so you can vomit in a bucket whilst shitting on the toilet. But you should not have to resort to such a tactic (what if you dont have a bucket to hand etc). So listen up to all those currently studying toilet engineering at uni.. please come up with an idea of a toilet that can allow you to both shit and vomit at the same time, then a mint dispenser for afters to get rid of the horrible vomit taste in mouth

Much Needed Advice

Well after the weekend I have had, All I can do is share some of the wisdom I have learnt (Although most can be avoided if you are a person where common sense usually prevails)

1. Don't bet on 5 horses in the national for 'long odds' because all that happens is your wallet ends up a lot lighter than the beginning of the day.

2. Empty Stomach + Several Jugs of Cocktails + Fresh Air = Disaster
PLEASE EAT BEFORE BINGE DRINKING

3. Hangovers are better in Winter when it stays darker for longer in the morning.

4. When performing a Rugby Tackle on a friend, be sure to do it on a malleable surface and NOT Concrete.

5. Don't wear a watch when playing rugby on concrete as itll end up smashed into smithereens.

6. If you are gonna try and sleep with a bird at her parents house, dont get caught sneaking in and get asked to leave. Then when you do sneak back in, don't get caught naked in the middle of sex.

7. You can't unlock a door, then claim to have lost your keys.. Its an invalid argument.

8. When you lose your phone, phone it to determine where it is. Dont accuse your friends, nor accuse every stranger walking past who looks 'shifty'

9. When a hangover beckons, get up and have some water and fresh air. Does you the world of good.

10. Dont wear brand new white trainers to the beach. Bad Idea.

This advice was brought to you by the Cunny Got Stupidly Drunk Foundation.

Binge Travel

Yes ladies and Gentlemen, I have surpassed myself this time, i've only gone and bloody discovered how to time travel!

Step 1. Wake up and avoid eating any breakfast and lunch and dinner.

Step 2. At tea time walk to your nearest public licensed establishment.

Step 3. Order several jagerbombs and shots of sabuca/tequilla/jager/absinthe.

Step 4. Consume several litres of strong alcholic shots as quickly as possible.

If done correctly you should wake up a few days into the future with no memory of the previous days..

Time Travel ladies and Gentlemen is easy.. although I've not worked out how to go to the past, only the future.

Cunnys Clothes Shop

I have an idea for the worlds best clothes shop. This may come as a shock since a clothes shop is one of the last places on the planet you will find me.

But the worst kind of shopping is that where the girlfriend/wife drags you into millions of shops where they try millions of clothes on then complain about what they do buy and moan about what they should have.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Its a fucking nightmare. So in my clothes shop I would have a bar next to the changing rooms. Out of the changing rooms would be a small runway. This way as women spend hours trying everything on, the men can patiently wait at the bar and enjoy a pint or two and watch a bit of sport on the old tellybox.

When a woman seeks recognition for whatever crazy fashion choice she makes, she can saunter down the runway in full view of the men who under the influence of alcohol will offer lots of praise and compliments..

Its a simple idea that will make shopping enjoyable for all.

Twist your ankle

I can twist my ankle, to the left and to the right, then back into its normal position and carry on with my day.

But there is an injury known as twisted ankle.. is there a specific degree of turning required to achieve a twisted ankle? how far to i have to twist to be able to call it a twisted ankle? if i twist it too far then is it a permanently twisted ankle? what if i go all the way around 360degrees, perhaps snapping my bone in the process , is that now a broken leg or a twisted ankle with added extras?

Baldness, The Next Evolution?

People have often pondered why they go bald, some accept it, others try to hide it as they feel shame.

Well feel shame no more, as baldness is simply an indication that you are the next step in the evolutionary chain. When we were all monkeys, we were covered head to foot in hair. Over many mutations, we have evolved into a relatively hairless creature as we started to kill animals and wear their skins instead.

I mean what is the point of hair on the top of your head anyways? what is it for? there is no need for it at all. Nothing that a simple hat could not do.. Essentially its just extra weight and an aerodynamic disadvantage. This means bald people have several advantages over those with big hairy mop top. Eventually I predict people with hair will die out and we will only be left with bald people.

Bald people are awesome. They are the future.. They are our next evolutionary step.

Why The Elderly Arise So Early

I'm sure you have all noticed that old people seem to get up really early even despite the fact they have retired.. You'd imagine after working for soooo long that you'd enjoy lie ins during your retirement. But Old People are always up really early going to get the papers, or heading to the shops or a day trip on the coach to a rundown beach town to play some bingo.

So what is the real reason they get up so early for?

The answer is because they are alive. At that age they must be terrified going to bed every night thinking that they might die in their sleep. So when an old person wakes in the morning, they are just happy to be alive that they jump up with joy and try to make the most of their day. At least they can be certain they will live for one more day..

Friends Wanted.. Apply Within

I write this with the worst hangover in living history, so bare with me if this is more poorly written than usual.

Having a convo with a good friend, I was discussing my current friends and how useless most are not being able to drive as I need a lift to Maccys.. (hangover munch)

This got us to the point of thinking of getting rid and getting loads of new friends, but I said it would be too much effort so i'll stick with what I have (Me friends arent that bad really)

But how do you go about getting new friends?

Wouldnt be great if you could just advertise for friends, get lots to apply and then interview them all. That way you could pick your'e friends that best suit your needs. It would save effort in having to meet new people, and you would instantly know whether they would be a good friend or not..

Veggie Tree Hugging Hippys

OK so if you are a vegetarian, you can't eat meat.. if you're a vegan then you cant eat meat or dairy etc.. So basically when it comes to food you only have the choice of plants.

Now I hate to generalise, but lets assume most veggies love the planet and so dont want us burning fossil fuels and to not cut down rainforests and to recycle more.

If you don't want rainforests to be cut down to make paper, then why is it ok to brutally murder and destroy plants for eating?

essentially if you believe its wrong to harm animals for food, then its just as wrong to take plants and murder them also..

So if you are a veggie tree hugger, all you can eat is basically whatever your own body produces, because anything else is causing harm to someone or something.

Baby On Board

You know those 'baby on board' signs you see in most parents cars? What are they actually for?

My mate said it was so we drive carefully and don't crash into them killing their delicate child. What?

If i'm driving I do not intend to crash into anyone, whether a child is on board or not. So the sign is pointless, all it means is I know I will kill a child if I do end up crashing into the car infront.

Plus if I do crash (which never happens since im male), it will only probably because I've had to get nice and close to the car in front so I can read what the stupid little sign says.

3 S's

I'll not tell you where this morning, but you can probably guess, I had an intreaguing idea. In the morning I have to waste time taking a Shit a Shower and a Shave, or the 3 S's as its more commonly known.

These daily morning rituals take up some time, time of which I could still be in bed sleeping. So if I can find a way to speed up the process to give me more valuable minutes in bed. Now of course I don't mean to speed up my morning dump by taking laxitives so everything exits quicker. I mean to still take the same amount of time of each activity, but in a shorter space of time.

This is where I have invented (In My head) the all in one MultiToiletShower. Within a normal looking shower cubicle there will be a throne in the centre, allowing the user to take a dump whilst having a shower. An anti-mist mirror will be placed in front of the toilet so that the user can also shave whilst being showered and taking a shit. A 3 in 1 time saving piece of genius.

Of course I need to build and test out such a clearly brilliant idea, so if anyone wants to fund the project then let me know.

The Family Guy Aproximation

Well not so much a paradox but more an intuitive way of gauging how old you are.

I remember when Family Guy first was released. It was one of those things that only a few of us had heard of as it was only in America at the time. I remember being in my late teens and it being amazingly funny. Me and mates will sit there enjoying it for hour after hour whether it was at school on a laptop or sat round a mates having a house party that just ended up with everyone drunk watching family guy.

Now that im in my almost mid twenties I realise I hate family guy. I no longer find it funny and find myself getting angry anytime I do watch it because I am wise to the many many flaws of this show.

So I wondered why I would hate something so much, even though I used to love it. And the answer is pretty straightforward.

When you're young and not quite as mature, the toilet humour and slapstick style comedy are the best. But as you get older you realise it for what it is and become bored of it. You crave something with more substance and to an extent you crave humour to have intelligence.

Im not saying you get smarter as you get older, but you certainly get wise enough to realise Family Guy is actually shit. So the more shit you think family guy is, the older and maturer you are

Mmmmmmm Gravy

Is it possible to make a cow produce its own gravy for when its eventually brutally killed and cooked into Roast Beef?

I was thinking, if you coated a cow constantly in Bisto would it eventually absorb the gravy stock molecules and add a beefier taste? this way when the juices start to run when cooking, it will already have that bit of stock/gravy granules to make that great gravy taste?

Essentially what I am thinking is live marination.

If this works then perhaps we could start covering lambs in curry sauce, that way when you chop them up after killing them, a lamb curry would be far simpler. Ducks could swim in ponds of hoisin sauce so that they absorb that. Im sure there are endless possibilities to this

Tattoos in Foreign Language

Have you ever noticed those people who get their names tattoed on themselves in foreign languages, usually arabic or aramaic or something similar. The reason that most of them do it because they think it looks better than in English.

I know many people with these tattoo's yet i've never really took much notice of it until now. Sat in the pub one night watching interviews with people who were openly admitting they would vote for the BNP and have joined the BNP party.

Now incase you don't know, the BNP party is for narrowminded racists and purists. Most the people they interviewed were 20 somethings who basically were blaming all the arabs for terrorism and the country going to sh*t.

What I noticed was that several of these arab haters had tattoos down their arm in the arabic or similar language.. bloody Hypocrites.. You'd think if someone is going to ink their body for the rest of their life, they would do so in a language of a country that they don't hate. hahahaha Idiots

Manliest Name In The World

This is something I have pondered over a few days since a recent discussion with a friend. Too many kids nowadays have americanised parents and as such, are ending up with quite ridiculous names, not to mention the fact that celebrities are clearly having a competition on what to name their child to see who's child will get the most bullied.

But what is the most Manliest Name in the World?

The answer is John.

Lets take a minute for you just to think about that name. Now John does not mean Jonathan or Johnny are manly. Infact Jonathan is a bit lame and Johnny is a bit of a gay name. JOHN on its own is just pure testosterone.

And if you want any conclusive proof then just think about JOHN Wayne, JOHN McClane and JOHN Rambo. Probably 3 of the toughest guys in the world (even if two of them are fiction).

If George Bush was called John Bush, I reckon he would have had a lot more respect, but he was born with an aristocratic gay name George which is why he turned into a complete Bell End.

It works with any name. Gordon Brown and David Cameron sound like a right pair of Knobheads, but if it was John Brown and John Cameron, they suddenly sound like two men who could be part of Mi5 taking down terrorists and all sorts.

So if you want your child to grow up to be big manly and strong call them John.

If you dont mind having a bullied lame moronic son, then choose any of the stupid names that most parents are going with.

So Many Colours

I was working away when unfortunately I had to overhear the worlds dullest conversation about what colour a workmate wants to paint their living room. I suggested purple which was not listened to at all. This conversation continued for ages between the two girls, but ultimately they never mentioned one single colour.

Well.. not what I regard to be colours.. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Pink, Purple, Black, White, Brown.. I think that is all of them covered.

But you cant buy a Tin of 'Red' Paint anymore... instead you have to buy "Monthly Vaginal Discharge Red" or one of the many other Bajillion names they come up with for RED PAINT.

Seriously who the hell comes up with the names and why? I've listed 10 colour up above, and It covers any colour Ive ever wanted, or will ever need.

Now I can hear a few of you saying what about all the different shades of colours.. Well its simple.. If you want a darker shade of the colour, you ask for DARK *Colour*, and if you want it lighter then you ask for LIGHT *Colour*. This will save so much time and hassle.

And the perfect thing about this system is that it covers every colour. If you wanted a really really dark blue, and you saw a dark blue, you simply ask for a darker dark blue.

I have written to Dulux with my idea and I await my response.

Veggies/Vegans

Honest to god if I had my way, i'd probably have all the veggies and vegans rounded up and send them off to some distant far away island out of the way. Unfortunately due to human rights I am not allowed to do this :( shame.

One thing that really really irks me about veggies and vegans is what they eat. I don't mean vegetables or that disgusting tofu crap they invented, but the fact they imitate us meat eaters.

Its astounding that people would not want to eat a BeefBurger or Sausages in the first place, however, if you make the choice to not eat meat, then why do you try to imitate it? Why would you want to eat something that is like a sausage, but not a sausage. You chose to give up sausages, so just enjoy your veg and get on with it. Linda McCartney should be shot for simply allowing to call her products sausages. I've eaten one and fucking hell it was horrible, worst sausage i've ever eaten (and i've eaten hotdogs from a can.)

Do you know why they were the worst sausages i've ever eaten? because it wasn't sausage meat. Was some mushed up veg wrapped up to imitate the look of a sausage!

I do not understand why someone would not eat meat in the first place, but obviously the lack of meat has caused some kind of trauma to the brain, because they clearly werent thinking straight when they thought bland manky vegs all mushed up is anything like a nice tasty fat cumberland sausage.

Technologically Inept

I know when new gadgets and technology are released that to some it will make about as much sense as double differential equations, however, most of these people are capable of quickly learning how the item works either by having a quick tinker around or reading the instructions.

Whats starting to annoy me is those that buy such items or equipment without any understanding or ability to use them.

For Example, my Dad splashed out hundreds of pounds on some surround sounds speakers and equaliser. Of course as per usual my Dad had no clue how to set it all up and so I had to come and show him how. After all was done I asked him why he bought such a thing, and he replied with "The man in the shop said it was the best thing to get"

That bleeding bugs me silly. Thats the same man who told my Dad to splash out on an expensive external hard drive to backup all his photos, despite the fact they could all easily fit on a couple of inexpensive CD-RW's. The same man who sold a 5 in 1 printer with all the added extras even though the only thing my Dad prints is the occasional online booking form for an upcoming trip away.

And we cant really blame the assistants in these shops who are working on a crap wage and only make any decent cash on commission, so they are always likely to sell to the customer the most expensive fancy version they can when all the customer needs is something far simpler.

That extra money they are making my Dad pay is basically being stole from my inheritance! Every time he buys something, a part of my inheritance is going into the back pocket of some greasy haired nerd.

I Vote this stops now!

From now on, all females and Dads should have to take a small test before purchasing anything of a technological nature. This should prevent their sons having to spend hours trying to explain how it all works whilst their inheritance is being spent by a nerd on something geeky.


I thin

Valentines Day

So Valentines day is almost here and as usual us men are expected to pull out all the stops to keep the missus happy.

But here is my point, how the hell is the day meant to be romantic when the missus knows its going to happen? Being forced to do something on a certain day is not romance, its merely following social convention.

Its just exploitation by card companies, restaurants, flower shops etc to charge a little more for crap and junk that ultimately represent no thought or feeling. Receiving something on Valentines day has about as much romance as taking a dump and letting your loved one watch.

If you really love your missus then you'll suprise her and be spontaneous throughout the year. If you are giving a gift, its because you love them, not because you have to. So men of the world, lets not be forced year after year into this sham of a holiday. Instead treat your missus right throughout the year and treat the 14th February just as any other day.

And if you really really must suprise her this Valentines day, then stick it in her bum and yell suprise :)

Toilet Reading

I think this is more a man thing, but it is important to have something good to read when taking a dump. Now I think this varies from person to person, but we all have our own preference to what to read on the toilet. Me personally use my toilet time to catch up with my various movie and DVD magazines and on occasion. Others use the time to read their lads magazines, some have books.

There have been times out of desperation or when at a girlfriends house that there is no suitable reading material and thus ended up reading the ingredients or descriptions on the thousands of cosmetic bottles you will find in any female bathroom.

However, I think it is important you can always find something to read. If the average male takes a shit once a day for 10 minutes then you will need to find over 5 hours of reading material a month. This can become an expense for those on a low income or for those who do not read books or magazines regularly.

So here are a few tips for cheap toilet reading material.

1. Argos catalogue. Ok, so not much to read, but with so many products and descriptions it will certainly last you a few months. And best of all you can pick up a copy for free.

2. Local papers. These are also generally free but go unnoticed. Keep a few stored away for those desperate days.

3. Car Guides. See how much you could get a second hand Aston Martin for. Not exciting, but plenty to flick through

4. Tv Guide. These are always knocking around or free with the paper. Keep them stored away, also dont forget about the other crappy mags given free with the weekend papers. They might not seem appealing on a saturday morning, but could be worth a read when taking a dump.

5. Takeaway Leaflets. Free and a good way to work out which takeaway has the best options for a future dinner.

6. 'Borrow' any magazines you may find lying around at work or at the dentist. Maybe not what you normally read, but in an emergency may be worthy

That little list should keep you busy, and if anyone has any other suggestions then let me know

Man Baths

let's face it, when it comes to baths.. girls are the expert in that particular field. They get them to smell good, lots of bubbles and really relaxing.

Often Ive had a female friend make me one up just so I can go have a relaxing bath. The only problem is that I worry theyre a bit too girly

So heres what I decided to do to make my bath more Manly.

1. Replaced music with Tv, brought in the laptop and carefully rested it nearby and put on Die Hard/ Lethal Weapon / Other Action Films

2. Have a few cigarettes in the bath, (although ive quit now), but make a tinfoil boat for an ashtray and keep a towel close to dry hands

3. A Stein of Beer.. A pint runs out too quick, so buy yourself a stein and pour the coldest beer you can find as it will warm up. (My sink was reasonably close to bath so i filled it with ice before hand and sat a few emergency tins in there)

4. KFC/Pizza in the bath. Yes have something to eat. But not knife and fork food, only food you can eat with your hands. Ive found balancing the box on a small inflatable ring helps keep it afloat in the bath and safe, although watch water drippage. The colonels chicken dont taste as good when soggy.

And thats how to have a girly bath but still be a man.

BBW = BW

In my trawl around the internet social sites I've noticed many abbreviations in use, GSOH, LOL etc.. we know most of these, but one in particular caught my eye. BBW.

For those that don't know, BBW stands for Big Beautiful Women. Some term i'm sure some fat ugly lesbian has coined to make her feel a little better about herself. Now granted, there are some curvy girls out there who still can look good and have a pretty enough face. These are what I deem to be a BBW.

What i've noticed is that every super large ugly horrendous pig of a monster woman that looks like theyve just devoured an entire farm of cattle are using the term BBW.

This is wrong! Very Wrong! Just because you are fat does not give you the right to call yourself a BBW. Infact, you should be fined under the trade description act!

I think a law should be put in place where judgement is passed for those larger girls with curves who are still hot to use the term BBW. Every other fat stinker should just be a BW (Big Woman).

(Apologies to any really fat women who use the term BBW as BIG BIG Woman, that is acceptable, but I think you should specify to make it clear)

Fat People

As an ex-fat person (although becoming fat again due to quitting smoking) I have come up with a solution for the ever rising obesity problem.

Stop making clothes above size Large, or whatever is deemed to be the maximum size that is acceptable before becoming a big fat greasy sweaty horror.

This will force all fat people of the world to wear potato sacks, giant bin bags, or just simply walk around naked. This means more bullying and abuse aimed at fat people. This constant berating will eventually lead them to sort it out!

Although there is one benefit to being XL or bigger. When the sales occur, theres no rush to be there first, all the normal sized people buy their S, M or L and everything else is just left for you to casually get a bargain without the rage or queues.

Shaving

I remember growing my first tache back when I was about 15. I was so proud, soon to follow was some chin hair and under my lip that I could almost claim to have a goatee.. Ok so this would take a few weeks to grow but it was a sign of becoming a man.

Now being 24 I have to shave pretty much every morning. Its such a pain in the ass. Makes my face all itchy and rough and sore. Yeah its manly, but now I wish I was 15 again and hair didnt sprout of my face all day long.

Strange really, younger I wanted to grow a beard, now that it grows daily I wish it didnt..

Why oh Why?

Why would people air their dirty laundry about their relationships on FB, where everyone can see.. Is there no privacy anymore? If you're gonna have a hissy fit with your BF/GF then do it in private.. I quite frankly dont want to read the bitchiness when I get home from a hard days work..

Duck Feed

Ducks, a favourite of mine from the chinese, especially crispy with a nice Hoisin Sauce.

But Im not here to discuss me eating duck, its more to do with what Ducks actually eat? Now as far as I'm aware ducks eat a variety of pond weeds and plants, possibly insects and I heard they really like a juicy snail.

So why the heck do we feed them Bread when we see them down the park?

Bread is milled flour mixed with water and yeast then baked in the oven. Ducks can't make bread (as far as im aware) so when did we decide that we'd feed them bread.

Are we just teasing ducks? hey Mr Duck, look what we humans can manufacture, isnt it beautiful? why not try some? yer you like that.. well tough shit, its all gone, and you wont find any of that in the wild... In essense we are pychologically torturing Ducks by feeding them bread..

So next time you see a duck, throw him a snail or some nice pond weed, or kill him and cook him, it will be far kinder than teasing him with the delights of the human ability to make bread.

Desktop Car Porn

Why do people put pictures of their own cars on their desktop images at work? I've seen that a fair few people have done this (mainly women) but I dont get it? Especially since they only drive normal cars such as a BMW 3 series, or a Ford Focus ST etc..

I remember when I was a boy I had pictures of Ferrari F40's or Lamborghini Diablos plastered all over my wall.. Now I have pictures of classics, but this is because its essentially mechanical engineering porn. I'd rather look at a picture of a beautiful amazing car that Ill probably never own, rather than the car I drive.

Now I am quite proud of my car, Its great to drive, not horrible to look at despite its greyish silver colour, But I would never ever put a picture on my desktop to look at it whilst Im working. If i want to see my car then i'll go look outside at the actual thing, no need for a picture on my desktop at all.

GoodNight Facebook?

I've started to notice a trend on FB now where people are updating their status to say goodnight to everyone..

WTF???

Wheres the sense in that, I don't care when people go to bed, only if im in the middle of chatting with a person who then goes to bed, I may expect a goodnight then. But a general status to say good night to everyone I think is just SAD.

Those people need to get a bit more of a social life. Anyways its a good way to help keep my friends list trim, if they wish the whole of FB goodnight every night then they are no longer a FB friend.

Speaking of which, I did delete one 'friend'. And I use the term loosely.. I knew them from school, but since then we have barely spoke. Past few months we have not spoken at all, so I figured best to remove them from my friends list. Within an hour I had a friend request from the deleted person which I then ignored. An hour later another request from same person.. ignored.. and this pattern went on for several days..Do people not get the hint? I have deleted you for a reason, do not re-add me.. Tards

Horoscopes

I was asked to show ID today in a shop (This made me happy as i feel and look so old), and as usual I flirted with the young female cashier a little. Too my suprise she made a comment how she was also a Gemini and that she reckoned we could be twins. It was at that point I graciously smiled and left the shop quickly.

It amazes me that those who follow and believe in horrorscopes think there can only be 12 types of people on this planet.

Well I for one can tell you there is not 12 types of people. There is only 2.

1. Idiotic unevolved morons who believe in Horoscopes.
2. Intelligent people who know its just a load of nonsense.

Its a shame as well because the shopgirl was quite cute, just a shame she was a moron.

Hungover Whingers

Facebook, Evil or Good, still up for debate, but one thing ive started to notice a few people doing is using the status updates to literally keep us updated about every minute of their waking life.

Now those who annoy me with status updates I just delete, its simple and effective. This is personal choice that I dont really want to know that persons daily life, but obviously they enjoy using the status tool and I for one wont stop them.

There is one particular FB Status update that really irritates me, and that is The Hangover.

And I dont mean the general, 'is feeling very hungover this morning' update, its those who decide that they have nothing better to do all day than stay in bed with their laptop updating us every hour or so on how awful they are feeling. The last thing I want on my weekend is to be constantly notified about people feeling sorry for themselves because they have a hangover.

We all know drinkin will lead to an inevitable hangover, but why do people consistently go out at the weekend, drink far more than their body can cope with, throw up in bar/taxi/front garden or wherever. Wake up the next morning and not remember anything and class it as a good night.

Basically if you are going to do that, then you should expect a bloody hangover, its your bodys way of telling you that you are a great big f#cking idiot for drinking to much.

And if you are going to get a hangover, then please go find a dark corner to curl up and die in. DO NOT spend your entire day making sure everyone in the world knows you've got a hangover, because honestly, noone gives two sh#ts! ITS YOUR OWN FAULT!

The Spoiler Approximation

I wonder if there is an equation that exactly can work out the size of a mans penis simply by the car he drives.

For example I would imagine a person who drives a small crap car but has hideously modded it to have extra BIG wheels, extra BIG spoiler, extra BIG body kit and extra BIG exhaust to have an incredibly SMALL Penis. It just makes sense, its the balance of life.

I think the more you try to get people to look at your car, the smaller your penis.

And this can get quite complex. We could put two men in the same identical plain boring grey saloon. This would indicate both have good sized penises as they are not over-exagerating their car.

However, if one man was on a miserable rainy day choose to drive with music blaring, sunglasses on and window wound all the way down, it would indicate that he infact has a smaller penis than the man who just drove normally..

I will spend some times trying to work out this exact mathematical formula.. Get in touch if you have any additional variables that are important that I may have overlooked

Football Bets 23rd Jan

Right well its F.A. Cup this weekend which means I do not bet on FA. Cup games, fortunately there is a handful of league games to mooch through.

Without going into too much detail this time, the three teams I really fancy this weekend are Rotherham, Sheffield Wed, and Southend

Morcambe, Crewe and Carlisle are three other teams im interested in, so ive gone with yankees on:

Rotherham/Sheffield Wed/Southend/Morecambe
Rotherham/Sheffield Wed/Southend/Crewe
Rotherham/Sheffield Wed/Southend Carlisle

Lets hope I get better luck this week

Zombies and the Disabled

If in the unlikely event that an outbreak of zombies occured, theres something that worries me. If you have good taste then you will know from the original Night of the Living Dead that the black guy at the end gets shot because he is mistaken for being a zombie.

Lets presume zombies fall into the stereotype of being slow moving, groaning and moving like they have some sort of disability. The Classic Zombie that we all know and love.

But I have seen some disabled people who especially in movement appear zombie like. If an apocalypse did occur, how can we be sure that we are shooting at a zombie and not a confused disabled person ?

The same goes for some of the kids nowadays who walk around slightly retarded and barely speak anything other than grunts and groans, although accidently shooting some of these kids may benefit the world.

Either way, please be careful in the zombie apocalypse, shoot zombies, not people!

The Youth of Today

Now i'm no leading expert in psychology, but I did have to scoff at a recent newspaper article suggesting that a smoke free prison reduces crime. Apparently would be criminals will change their minds on committing crime if they think theyll have to go to a prison where they can not smoke at all.. BULL PLOP

But this did get me thinking... There is a large problem with the youth of today committing crimes. And lets face it, if your a criminal at that age, you are likely to be a criminal for the rest of your life.. Only the rare few actaully make a change for the better.

So how do we discourage youth's from committing crimes?

Simple, lock all under 18's up with all convicted child molesters and pedophiles. I bet you any money that a lot of kids will fear committing a crime if the outcome is being stuck in a building with a load of nonces.. Itd certainly be a far more effective fear technique than non-smoking.

And before those of the human rights blah blah brigade start getting in a strop, just remember that Criminals refuse to acknowledge the rights of others, so why should we give them any rights at all.

Footy Bets Results

Well oh dear, Villa one of my guarantees let me down big time this weekend. They played well enough to win the game and created plenty of chances, but ultimately failed to score.

My outside bets of Leeds and Blackpool failed, and Rochdale game got postponed. In the end I did my Big trixie bet which loses heavily due to the Villa draw.

For my yankees I took Charlton in one, Blackpool in one and Huddersfield in the other.

Overall This weekend Ive made a loss of around 32%

Lets hope things work out better next weekend

Footy Tips Jan 16th-18th

As you may know I like to have a flutter on the football each weekend. Like most, I have my own system. My system is a complicated mass of numbers compiled to produce statitistical analysis to show me where the most likely winners will be. So Starting from this week I am going to share this information. Please remember that no bets are guaranteed, anything can and will happen in football, so if you do follow my tips, you do so at your own risk. And as I always say, never bet what you can't afford to lose.

Nottingham Forest - Against a Reading side who have played extra time in midweek.Forests current form is fantastic. Reading arent awful away from home, but all statistics are in favour of Forest and a Home win. Look for prices of around 4/6

Swindon - Playing a Gillingham side who have never won away from home this season. And although they'll have to win away eventuallly, Swindon are on a good run of form and have a strong home record. Look for prices of around 4/6

Aston Villa - Despite playing midweek, I full expect them to beat a West Ham side. Villa have too much strength and pace in their squad for West Ham to cope with. Villas current form is good, and West Ham are shocking away. Prices of around 8/15

I am taking all three above teams in a Trixie bet. And thats my main big bet of the weekend.

Six other teams that take my fancy to win are:
Huddersfield
Rochdale
Blackpool
Leeds
Charlton
Aldershot

I will probably place a few yankees selecting my above 3 teams and one from the 6 maybe selections.

Out of the maybes, I would say the strongest bets would be Huddersfield, Rochdale and Charlton. So I will be betting Yankees on:

Forest/Swindon/Villa/Huddersfield
Forest/Swindon/Villa/Charlton
Forest/Swindon/Villa/Rochdale

Adopt a Tiger? Nah..

Advert on my lunchbreak asking us to sponsor a tiger to help protect them in the wild. The small amount you pay per month goes to help protect the tigers in the wild to help protect them against poachers and to make sure that they survive in the wild.

The advert is pretty gloomy, perhaps too gloomy as it doesnt even sound like they believe the money will actually help.

Instead of adopting a tiger, why not adopt a mercenary??

I'd happily pay a small amount per month to hire a mercenary to live in the jungle (or wherever tigers live) to shoot poachers.. If we kill all the poachers then the tigers will be safe. Its simple. No need for massive enclosures and 1000's of volunteers.. A handful of mercernaries to hunt down the poachers..

So lets do it.. for only £2 a month you too can help adopt a mercenary to take out all the poachers. They will even send you a goody bag of a picture of the dead poacher, a fluffy toy gun and one of the dead poachers fingers.

Hibernation

Well its now getting close to the middle of the winter season and already I'm sick to death of people moaning about a bit of wind and rain. I know its not exactly the most pleasant of weather, but it happens every year, so I think people should just man up and get on with things.. As a sexy lady once said, "Everything would look the same without the rain."

Perhaps as a species we should start trying to hibernate. That way we could simply sleep through the miserable weather. According to everyones Facebook statuses, all they want to do is stay in bed in these cold winter months. Perhaps they should just stay there for a few months so I don't have to hear them moan.

Infact, it does sound like a brilliant idea. Think if we all were to say around the beginning of november curl up and hibernate right through to spring what benefits it could have.

No feeling miserable or depressed from bad weather.

No more waking up to dark mornings or going home in the dark.

Saving on food costs as we tend to eat a lot more in the colder winter months.

No Xmas, so again more money saved on buying gifts and wasting electricity on lights

Infact the majority of money would be saved on heating bills and electricity that we consume a lot more during winter.

Therefore if we could all learn how to hibernate it may be very beneficial for the entire world, although lets hope when we do wake up that Penguins havent taken over. Dont trust the Penguins.

Where Did Swine Flu Go?

I had a sleepless night last night where I had many thoughts, mostly of the doom and gloom stories that the news so kindly like to tell us about so often. I lay there and thought to myself, what ever happened to Swine Flu?

This was supposedly a pandemic accross the world that was going to kill us all. There was no cure, not enough vaccine, it affected everyone and noone was safe.

When the first outbreak hit the UK, there was quarantine occuring like something out of a horror film. We were told to avoid contact with people, and many many scary posters advising of the risks were a constant reminder of our impending doom.

The media would tell story after story of people dying and huge outbreaks in schools and cities making it out to be an almost apocalyptic event.

Then some snow appeared, and now we are more worried about the elderly freezing to death in their cold homes, or people becoming stranded in the snow.

So one can only assume that the snow killed the virus. So those who are moaning about the snow, cheer up, it looks as if theres no more Swine Flu because of it :)

Bad Parking Tickets

I have just been to town and upon returning to my car discovered that some incompetent fool had parked their oversized monster truck of a 4x4 close to my car. This meant I had to climb in through the passenger door and climb across the seats to reach the drivers seat.

This got me thinking, whilst there is nothing illegal, there should be some form of punishment for such idiocy. Now having recently giving up smoking my temper has been short to say the least, and I was half tempted to open my door to leave a nice dent in their car to vent my anger, however this would be illegal so I refrained.

Driving home I came up with a simple solution, The Bad Parking Ticket.

Similar to a parking ticket but without the fine, it would be placed on the windshield of any badly parked car. Inside would be a graphic letter pointing out the drivers iinability to park and several insults to make them feel bad about it.

Such examples of bad parking I constantly see are those who fail to park in the centre of a parking space. Those who go over way over the lines of a parking bay for no logical reason other than they must be blind. People who park on corners of roads meaning you have to gamble pulling out and hope there is nothing oncoming. People who park several metres away from the curbside.

Here is my example of what could be written inside:

"Dear incompetent idiot,

You have unsuccesfully managed to reverse your vehicle between the clearly marked lines of the car parking bay. I can only assume that you were born with a mental deficiency that has left you with the inability to comprehend that your car goes between the lines and not over them.

Furthermore upon exiting your vehicle where you can clearly see your awful parking, your brain deficiency has prevented you from processing a simple thought of 'hmmm Ive F**cked this parking up, I am a fool, I better move my car and try again.'

Even worse, just to show the world how much of a dumbass you are, you have returned to your car after getting your pay and display ticket and placed it at the windshield. Your brain deficiency clearly indicates you are such an idiot that having returned to your car you still fail to realise how bad your parking actually is.

Please do the world a favour and learn how to park your car. Its very simple. PARK BETWEEN THE LINES. Perhaps you should tattoo it on your head so that your brain does not have to cope with the hard task of remembering something that everybody else manages to do.

If you still do not know how to park your car after this, then please do the world a favour and remove yourself from the genepool. You have defective DNA and it would be a crime for you to reproduce. If you are unsure what this is hinting at, then I will make it simple. Go out back and shoot yourself in the head.

YOU ARE A TWAT"

Hopefully a government official will read this blog and put my theory into practice

Snow days

Isnt it amazing how a little bit of snow can cause all sorts of havoc? I feel sometimes the human race as a species are evolving to be so lazy that effectively we are de-evolving ourselves. This morning when I woke up, I saw all the snow and thought to myself 'Hmmm, think I better walk to work today.' Seems logical right?

So I put on some warm clothing and grippy footwear and set of on the hour walks to work. Normally this would be a 10 minute drive at most, but in this weather it would be stupid to try and drive. This however did not stop many people from attempting their short journeys by car, which led to most either being abandoned, crashed, or furiously wheel spinning trying to get up a hill that should never have been attempted in the first place.

What makes this illogical choice of driving even worse is the fact that all those who abandoned their vehicles began to moan at the Department of Transport. 'Lazy good for nothing DOT should have sorted this out.' Thats typical of most, make an idiotic choice to drive in undriveable conditions, then place the blame on someone else. Warnings on the news for days not to travel unless necessary and common sense dictate either to stay indoors, or go by foot. Yet these lazy idiots ignore it all thinking they can drive, and when they fail, kick up a fuss and moan.

Kudos to those who had common sense to stay at home or walk.. As for you morons trying to drive, I hope that your idiocy only caused yourself untold misery and problems.