Shaving

I remember growing my first tache back when I was about 15. I was so proud, soon to follow was some chin hair and under my lip that I could almost claim to have a goatee.. Ok so this would take a few weeks to grow but it was a sign of becoming a man.

Now being 24 I have to shave pretty much every morning. Its such a pain in the ass. Makes my face all itchy and rough and sore. Yeah its manly, but now I wish I was 15 again and hair didnt sprout of my face all day long.

Strange really, younger I wanted to grow a beard, now that it grows daily I wish it didnt..

Why oh Why?

Why would people air their dirty laundry about their relationships on FB, where everyone can see.. Is there no privacy anymore? If you're gonna have a hissy fit with your BF/GF then do it in private.. I quite frankly dont want to read the bitchiness when I get home from a hard days work..

Duck Feed

Ducks, a favourite of mine from the chinese, especially crispy with a nice Hoisin Sauce.

But Im not here to discuss me eating duck, its more to do with what Ducks actually eat? Now as far as I'm aware ducks eat a variety of pond weeds and plants, possibly insects and I heard they really like a juicy snail.

So why the heck do we feed them Bread when we see them down the park?

Bread is milled flour mixed with water and yeast then baked in the oven. Ducks can't make bread (as far as im aware) so when did we decide that we'd feed them bread.

Are we just teasing ducks? hey Mr Duck, look what we humans can manufacture, isnt it beautiful? why not try some? yer you like that.. well tough shit, its all gone, and you wont find any of that in the wild... In essense we are pychologically torturing Ducks by feeding them bread..

So next time you see a duck, throw him a snail or some nice pond weed, or kill him and cook him, it will be far kinder than teasing him with the delights of the human ability to make bread.

Desktop Car Porn

Why do people put pictures of their own cars on their desktop images at work? I've seen that a fair few people have done this (mainly women) but I dont get it? Especially since they only drive normal cars such as a BMW 3 series, or a Ford Focus ST etc..

I remember when I was a boy I had pictures of Ferrari F40's or Lamborghini Diablos plastered all over my wall.. Now I have pictures of classics, but this is because its essentially mechanical engineering porn. I'd rather look at a picture of a beautiful amazing car that Ill probably never own, rather than the car I drive.

Now I am quite proud of my car, Its great to drive, not horrible to look at despite its greyish silver colour, But I would never ever put a picture on my desktop to look at it whilst Im working. If i want to see my car then i'll go look outside at the actual thing, no need for a picture on my desktop at all.

GoodNight Facebook?

I've started to notice a trend on FB now where people are updating their status to say goodnight to everyone..

WTF???

Wheres the sense in that, I don't care when people go to bed, only if im in the middle of chatting with a person who then goes to bed, I may expect a goodnight then. But a general status to say good night to everyone I think is just SAD.

Those people need to get a bit more of a social life. Anyways its a good way to help keep my friends list trim, if they wish the whole of FB goodnight every night then they are no longer a FB friend.

Speaking of which, I did delete one 'friend'. And I use the term loosely.. I knew them from school, but since then we have barely spoke. Past few months we have not spoken at all, so I figured best to remove them from my friends list. Within an hour I had a friend request from the deleted person which I then ignored. An hour later another request from same person.. ignored.. and this pattern went on for several days..Do people not get the hint? I have deleted you for a reason, do not re-add me.. Tards

Horoscopes

I was asked to show ID today in a shop (This made me happy as i feel and look so old), and as usual I flirted with the young female cashier a little. Too my suprise she made a comment how she was also a Gemini and that she reckoned we could be twins. It was at that point I graciously smiled and left the shop quickly.

It amazes me that those who follow and believe in horrorscopes think there can only be 12 types of people on this planet.

Well I for one can tell you there is not 12 types of people. There is only 2.

1. Idiotic unevolved morons who believe in Horoscopes.
2. Intelligent people who know its just a load of nonsense.

Its a shame as well because the shopgirl was quite cute, just a shame she was a moron.

Hungover Whingers

Facebook, Evil or Good, still up for debate, but one thing ive started to notice a few people doing is using the status updates to literally keep us updated about every minute of their waking life.

Now those who annoy me with status updates I just delete, its simple and effective. This is personal choice that I dont really want to know that persons daily life, but obviously they enjoy using the status tool and I for one wont stop them.

There is one particular FB Status update that really irritates me, and that is The Hangover.

And I dont mean the general, 'is feeling very hungover this morning' update, its those who decide that they have nothing better to do all day than stay in bed with their laptop updating us every hour or so on how awful they are feeling. The last thing I want on my weekend is to be constantly notified about people feeling sorry for themselves because they have a hangover.

We all know drinkin will lead to an inevitable hangover, but why do people consistently go out at the weekend, drink far more than their body can cope with, throw up in bar/taxi/front garden or wherever. Wake up the next morning and not remember anything and class it as a good night.

Basically if you are going to do that, then you should expect a bloody hangover, its your bodys way of telling you that you are a great big f#cking idiot for drinking to much.

And if you are going to get a hangover, then please go find a dark corner to curl up and die in. DO NOT spend your entire day making sure everyone in the world knows you've got a hangover, because honestly, noone gives two sh#ts! ITS YOUR OWN FAULT!

The Spoiler Approximation

I wonder if there is an equation that exactly can work out the size of a mans penis simply by the car he drives.

For example I would imagine a person who drives a small crap car but has hideously modded it to have extra BIG wheels, extra BIG spoiler, extra BIG body kit and extra BIG exhaust to have an incredibly SMALL Penis. It just makes sense, its the balance of life.

I think the more you try to get people to look at your car, the smaller your penis.

And this can get quite complex. We could put two men in the same identical plain boring grey saloon. This would indicate both have good sized penises as they are not over-exagerating their car.

However, if one man was on a miserable rainy day choose to drive with music blaring, sunglasses on and window wound all the way down, it would indicate that he infact has a smaller penis than the man who just drove normally..

I will spend some times trying to work out this exact mathematical formula.. Get in touch if you have any additional variables that are important that I may have overlooked

Football Bets 23rd Jan

Right well its F.A. Cup this weekend which means I do not bet on FA. Cup games, fortunately there is a handful of league games to mooch through.

Without going into too much detail this time, the three teams I really fancy this weekend are Rotherham, Sheffield Wed, and Southend

Morcambe, Crewe and Carlisle are three other teams im interested in, so ive gone with yankees on:

Rotherham/Sheffield Wed/Southend/Morecambe
Rotherham/Sheffield Wed/Southend/Crewe
Rotherham/Sheffield Wed/Southend Carlisle

Lets hope I get better luck this week

Zombies and the Disabled

If in the unlikely event that an outbreak of zombies occured, theres something that worries me. If you have good taste then you will know from the original Night of the Living Dead that the black guy at the end gets shot because he is mistaken for being a zombie.

Lets presume zombies fall into the stereotype of being slow moving, groaning and moving like they have some sort of disability. The Classic Zombie that we all know and love.

But I have seen some disabled people who especially in movement appear zombie like. If an apocalypse did occur, how can we be sure that we are shooting at a zombie and not a confused disabled person ?

The same goes for some of the kids nowadays who walk around slightly retarded and barely speak anything other than grunts and groans, although accidently shooting some of these kids may benefit the world.

Either way, please be careful in the zombie apocalypse, shoot zombies, not people!

The Youth of Today

Now i'm no leading expert in psychology, but I did have to scoff at a recent newspaper article suggesting that a smoke free prison reduces crime. Apparently would be criminals will change their minds on committing crime if they think theyll have to go to a prison where they can not smoke at all.. BULL PLOP

But this did get me thinking... There is a large problem with the youth of today committing crimes. And lets face it, if your a criminal at that age, you are likely to be a criminal for the rest of your life.. Only the rare few actaully make a change for the better.

So how do we discourage youth's from committing crimes?

Simple, lock all under 18's up with all convicted child molesters and pedophiles. I bet you any money that a lot of kids will fear committing a crime if the outcome is being stuck in a building with a load of nonces.. Itd certainly be a far more effective fear technique than non-smoking.

And before those of the human rights blah blah brigade start getting in a strop, just remember that Criminals refuse to acknowledge the rights of others, so why should we give them any rights at all.

Footy Bets Results

Well oh dear, Villa one of my guarantees let me down big time this weekend. They played well enough to win the game and created plenty of chances, but ultimately failed to score.

My outside bets of Leeds and Blackpool failed, and Rochdale game got postponed. In the end I did my Big trixie bet which loses heavily due to the Villa draw.

For my yankees I took Charlton in one, Blackpool in one and Huddersfield in the other.

Overall This weekend Ive made a loss of around 32%

Lets hope things work out better next weekend

Footy Tips Jan 16th-18th

As you may know I like to have a flutter on the football each weekend. Like most, I have my own system. My system is a complicated mass of numbers compiled to produce statitistical analysis to show me where the most likely winners will be. So Starting from this week I am going to share this information. Please remember that no bets are guaranteed, anything can and will happen in football, so if you do follow my tips, you do so at your own risk. And as I always say, never bet what you can't afford to lose.

Nottingham Forest - Against a Reading side who have played extra time in midweek.Forests current form is fantastic. Reading arent awful away from home, but all statistics are in favour of Forest and a Home win. Look for prices of around 4/6

Swindon - Playing a Gillingham side who have never won away from home this season. And although they'll have to win away eventuallly, Swindon are on a good run of form and have a strong home record. Look for prices of around 4/6

Aston Villa - Despite playing midweek, I full expect them to beat a West Ham side. Villa have too much strength and pace in their squad for West Ham to cope with. Villas current form is good, and West Ham are shocking away. Prices of around 8/15

I am taking all three above teams in a Trixie bet. And thats my main big bet of the weekend.

Six other teams that take my fancy to win are:
Huddersfield
Rochdale
Blackpool
Leeds
Charlton
Aldershot

I will probably place a few yankees selecting my above 3 teams and one from the 6 maybe selections.

Out of the maybes, I would say the strongest bets would be Huddersfield, Rochdale and Charlton. So I will be betting Yankees on:

Forest/Swindon/Villa/Huddersfield
Forest/Swindon/Villa/Charlton
Forest/Swindon/Villa/Rochdale

Adopt a Tiger? Nah..

Advert on my lunchbreak asking us to sponsor a tiger to help protect them in the wild. The small amount you pay per month goes to help protect the tigers in the wild to help protect them against poachers and to make sure that they survive in the wild.

The advert is pretty gloomy, perhaps too gloomy as it doesnt even sound like they believe the money will actually help.

Instead of adopting a tiger, why not adopt a mercenary??

I'd happily pay a small amount per month to hire a mercenary to live in the jungle (or wherever tigers live) to shoot poachers.. If we kill all the poachers then the tigers will be safe. Its simple. No need for massive enclosures and 1000's of volunteers.. A handful of mercernaries to hunt down the poachers..

So lets do it.. for only £2 a month you too can help adopt a mercenary to take out all the poachers. They will even send you a goody bag of a picture of the dead poacher, a fluffy toy gun and one of the dead poachers fingers.

Hibernation

Well its now getting close to the middle of the winter season and already I'm sick to death of people moaning about a bit of wind and rain. I know its not exactly the most pleasant of weather, but it happens every year, so I think people should just man up and get on with things.. As a sexy lady once said, "Everything would look the same without the rain."

Perhaps as a species we should start trying to hibernate. That way we could simply sleep through the miserable weather. According to everyones Facebook statuses, all they want to do is stay in bed in these cold winter months. Perhaps they should just stay there for a few months so I don't have to hear them moan.

Infact, it does sound like a brilliant idea. Think if we all were to say around the beginning of november curl up and hibernate right through to spring what benefits it could have.

No feeling miserable or depressed from bad weather.

No more waking up to dark mornings or going home in the dark.

Saving on food costs as we tend to eat a lot more in the colder winter months.

No Xmas, so again more money saved on buying gifts and wasting electricity on lights

Infact the majority of money would be saved on heating bills and electricity that we consume a lot more during winter.

Therefore if we could all learn how to hibernate it may be very beneficial for the entire world, although lets hope when we do wake up that Penguins havent taken over. Dont trust the Penguins.

Where Did Swine Flu Go?

I had a sleepless night last night where I had many thoughts, mostly of the doom and gloom stories that the news so kindly like to tell us about so often. I lay there and thought to myself, what ever happened to Swine Flu?

This was supposedly a pandemic accross the world that was going to kill us all. There was no cure, not enough vaccine, it affected everyone and noone was safe.

When the first outbreak hit the UK, there was quarantine occuring like something out of a horror film. We were told to avoid contact with people, and many many scary posters advising of the risks were a constant reminder of our impending doom.

The media would tell story after story of people dying and huge outbreaks in schools and cities making it out to be an almost apocalyptic event.

Then some snow appeared, and now we are more worried about the elderly freezing to death in their cold homes, or people becoming stranded in the snow.

So one can only assume that the snow killed the virus. So those who are moaning about the snow, cheer up, it looks as if theres no more Swine Flu because of it :)

Bad Parking Tickets

I have just been to town and upon returning to my car discovered that some incompetent fool had parked their oversized monster truck of a 4x4 close to my car. This meant I had to climb in through the passenger door and climb across the seats to reach the drivers seat.

This got me thinking, whilst there is nothing illegal, there should be some form of punishment for such idiocy. Now having recently giving up smoking my temper has been short to say the least, and I was half tempted to open my door to leave a nice dent in their car to vent my anger, however this would be illegal so I refrained.

Driving home I came up with a simple solution, The Bad Parking Ticket.

Similar to a parking ticket but without the fine, it would be placed on the windshield of any badly parked car. Inside would be a graphic letter pointing out the drivers iinability to park and several insults to make them feel bad about it.

Such examples of bad parking I constantly see are those who fail to park in the centre of a parking space. Those who go over way over the lines of a parking bay for no logical reason other than they must be blind. People who park on corners of roads meaning you have to gamble pulling out and hope there is nothing oncoming. People who park several metres away from the curbside.

Here is my example of what could be written inside:

"Dear incompetent idiot,

You have unsuccesfully managed to reverse your vehicle between the clearly marked lines of the car parking bay. I can only assume that you were born with a mental deficiency that has left you with the inability to comprehend that your car goes between the lines and not over them.

Furthermore upon exiting your vehicle where you can clearly see your awful parking, your brain deficiency has prevented you from processing a simple thought of 'hmmm Ive F**cked this parking up, I am a fool, I better move my car and try again.'

Even worse, just to show the world how much of a dumbass you are, you have returned to your car after getting your pay and display ticket and placed it at the windshield. Your brain deficiency clearly indicates you are such an idiot that having returned to your car you still fail to realise how bad your parking actually is.

Please do the world a favour and learn how to park your car. Its very simple. PARK BETWEEN THE LINES. Perhaps you should tattoo it on your head so that your brain does not have to cope with the hard task of remembering something that everybody else manages to do.

If you still do not know how to park your car after this, then please do the world a favour and remove yourself from the genepool. You have defective DNA and it would be a crime for you to reproduce. If you are unsure what this is hinting at, then I will make it simple. Go out back and shoot yourself in the head.

YOU ARE A TWAT"

Hopefully a government official will read this blog and put my theory into practice

Snow days

Isnt it amazing how a little bit of snow can cause all sorts of havoc? I feel sometimes the human race as a species are evolving to be so lazy that effectively we are de-evolving ourselves. This morning when I woke up, I saw all the snow and thought to myself 'Hmmm, think I better walk to work today.' Seems logical right?

So I put on some warm clothing and grippy footwear and set of on the hour walks to work. Normally this would be a 10 minute drive at most, but in this weather it would be stupid to try and drive. This however did not stop many people from attempting their short journeys by car, which led to most either being abandoned, crashed, or furiously wheel spinning trying to get up a hill that should never have been attempted in the first place.

What makes this illogical choice of driving even worse is the fact that all those who abandoned their vehicles began to moan at the Department of Transport. 'Lazy good for nothing DOT should have sorted this out.' Thats typical of most, make an idiotic choice to drive in undriveable conditions, then place the blame on someone else. Warnings on the news for days not to travel unless necessary and common sense dictate either to stay indoors, or go by foot. Yet these lazy idiots ignore it all thinking they can drive, and when they fail, kick up a fuss and moan.

Kudos to those who had common sense to stay at home or walk.. As for you morons trying to drive, I hope that your idiocy only caused yourself untold misery and problems.