Why The Head God?

Have you ever wondered why we go bald on our heads? Well I'm sure many bald scientists around the world right now are contemplating this very question, looking for ways to bring back hair that has long since gone...

But do you ever wonder why god or whoever was so cruel to make men bald on their heads?

Lets face it, I have hair growing all over, but the main areas for male hair is usually the head, face and testicles... so why of all the places pick the most visible?

Ok so full head of hair and bald in the face? Its probably what most bald men would prefer, but to me I would feel less of a man if I could not grow facial hair.

So the pubes... One of natures mischievious pranks... scratchy wiry hair in a place thats both uncomfortable and not required. So of all places to go bald, this would seem ideal. There would be no more trimming required, simply enjoy waking up everymorning to a smooth groinal region.. So lets hope we evolve soon to go bald in our pants, not on our heads

seaguls

Going back to my duck feeding on bread theory... why do seaguls love chips so much? whether its from the chippy or maccys, they just love them..

but why?

its not like before fast food seaguls would grow some spuds, dig them up, wash them, chop them, season them, fry them, then eat them... so why do they like chips? is it just natural to want chips when you eat fish?

I shall investigate this more... probably.... i doubt it

Another FB Rant

Im sorry, but I had to just share this one.. ill keep it short since I spend way too much time slating FB (Facebook to those who have been stuck in a cave with their thumbs up their ass for the past few years)

anyways, as well all know I hate it when people invite me to become a fan of something or to join a group that theyve created. Now on occasion, granted, there may be a group that is worth joining, either to keep up to date with latest festival news or of a certain occasion you may be attending.

But what has annoyed me today? Well its an invite to a group, and the group is getting people together for the guinness world record attempt at dog walking..

So why so angry? well its simple.. I DONT HAVE A FUCKING DOG! and the person who invited me knows that I dont have a Dog.. So why have they invited me to an event where I need a dog and they know I Dont have one.. FUCKING IDIOTS..

An Invention That Is Urgently Needed

Like many people, I have had to suffer at one point or other a virus which basically makes you feel like shit, with both ends being very explosive...

Now without gettin too descriptive, It is not possible for a person to both vomit and shit at the same time without causing some mess.. Theres that mini debate at 4am as you stumble blindly towards the bathroom as to whether to sit down on the toilet and throw up on the floor, or throw up in the toilet and shit your pants... Not really a great choice when feeling like death and knowing you will be repeating this visit on the hour every hour for the next few days...

For me I was lucky, since our recent bathroom renovation, the sink is now directly next to the toilet, meaning with a bit of a stretch and some projectile vomiting, you can take a shit and still get most the vomit into the sink..

Now why has noone ever in bathroom design, more specifically in toilet design, ever came up with a design of a toilet with an attached bowl that can be used for the situation where you are vomitting and shitting at the same time.

Ok, in fairness the easy solution is to just have a bucket to hand so you can vomit in a bucket whilst shitting on the toilet. But you should not have to resort to such a tactic (what if you dont have a bucket to hand etc). So listen up to all those currently studying toilet engineering at uni.. please come up with an idea of a toilet that can allow you to both shit and vomit at the same time, then a mint dispenser for afters to get rid of the horrible vomit taste in mouth

Much Needed Advice

Well after the weekend I have had, All I can do is share some of the wisdom I have learnt (Although most can be avoided if you are a person where common sense usually prevails)

1. Don't bet on 5 horses in the national for 'long odds' because all that happens is your wallet ends up a lot lighter than the beginning of the day.

2. Empty Stomach + Several Jugs of Cocktails + Fresh Air = Disaster
PLEASE EAT BEFORE BINGE DRINKING

3. Hangovers are better in Winter when it stays darker for longer in the morning.

4. When performing a Rugby Tackle on a friend, be sure to do it on a malleable surface and NOT Concrete.

5. Don't wear a watch when playing rugby on concrete as itll end up smashed into smithereens.

6. If you are gonna try and sleep with a bird at her parents house, dont get caught sneaking in and get asked to leave. Then when you do sneak back in, don't get caught naked in the middle of sex.

7. You can't unlock a door, then claim to have lost your keys.. Its an invalid argument.

8. When you lose your phone, phone it to determine where it is. Dont accuse your friends, nor accuse every stranger walking past who looks 'shifty'

9. When a hangover beckons, get up and have some water and fresh air. Does you the world of good.

10. Dont wear brand new white trainers to the beach. Bad Idea.

This advice was brought to you by the Cunny Got Stupidly Drunk Foundation.

Binge Travel

Yes ladies and Gentlemen, I have surpassed myself this time, i've only gone and bloody discovered how to time travel!

Step 1. Wake up and avoid eating any breakfast and lunch and dinner.

Step 2. At tea time walk to your nearest public licensed establishment.

Step 3. Order several jagerbombs and shots of sabuca/tequilla/jager/absinthe.

Step 4. Consume several litres of strong alcholic shots as quickly as possible.

If done correctly you should wake up a few days into the future with no memory of the previous days..

Time Travel ladies and Gentlemen is easy.. although I've not worked out how to go to the past, only the future.

Cunnys Clothes Shop

I have an idea for the worlds best clothes shop. This may come as a shock since a clothes shop is one of the last places on the planet you will find me.

But the worst kind of shopping is that where the girlfriend/wife drags you into millions of shops where they try millions of clothes on then complain about what they do buy and moan about what they should have.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Its a fucking nightmare. So in my clothes shop I would have a bar next to the changing rooms. Out of the changing rooms would be a small runway. This way as women spend hours trying everything on, the men can patiently wait at the bar and enjoy a pint or two and watch a bit of sport on the old tellybox.

When a woman seeks recognition for whatever crazy fashion choice she makes, she can saunter down the runway in full view of the men who under the influence of alcohol will offer lots of praise and compliments..

Its a simple idea that will make shopping enjoyable for all.